I may or may not be drunk...

But I think Sesame Street is fucking awesome...

Today's episode is bought to you by the letter "S" for sad

Olivia from Sesame street has died at age 63 from breast cancer. Played by actress Alaina Reid Hall, Olivia was always one of my favourite "Real People" from Sesame Street.

This is a beautiful clip from the show (can't find the year);

Sesame street has a done a lot for teaching kids about diversity, tolerance and understanding.

Just a little bit of clam talk for your morning cereal...

Oh Fifi.... you are a spastic.

So it was unintentional.... but any woman that can slip the C-Bomb into breakfast TV deserves my applause and ever-lasting adoration.

Australia's Got No Talent...

Lets get things straight. Australian Idol shits me to tears. Wannabe singers destroying great songs (and a huge number of shitty songs too) all in an attempt to garner a craptacular record deal that will be absolutely worthless and provide no longevity in the music industry (hello Casey Donovan, medical receptionist).

The fact the Kunty Kyle Sandilands managed to get his sizable arse fired from the show did nothing to excite me this year. It was just bound to be the same shit every Sunday night until the 17 year old Hill Song devotee is announced as winner.... boring.

Then they announced the new judge last night. Mr Jay Dee Springbett;

Wow. The ex-pat pom, R&D man for Sony BMG London is my type of man.

Baldy head? Check!

Nice and tall? Check!

Hot accent? Check!

Penis? Um, hopefully check!

That's all I need really.

He apparently is on the chunkier side of hunky (40 inch waist....meh), and is a dedicated family man (bugger), but I think he is one hot looking guy.

He looks like a shy, non-egotistical gentleman that would buy you breakfast the next day as a thank you for the many, many, many hours of hot man sex where he does horrible, nasty, sexy things to you as he whispers filthy nothings in that hot pommie accent into your ear.

Sigh.

But sadly, even with this hotness filling my TV screen, Idol still just isn't worth watching.

I put my togs in my port along with my jandals...

Kiwi ad, but rather witty....



I don't normally go for long-haired men, but that guy does something for me.

Sigh... I need some action.

It's like transformers, but not as gay...

Head. Going. To. Explode.

Too much "must see TV" to choose from tonight...

The finale of homeMADE....

The hot one won as opposed to the really hot one. That is - Jason Sullivan (below left) wins the series;

When it's clear the hotness that is Darren Palmer (below centre) deserved to win;


Of course I have really no idea what their designs actually looked like, so I'm basing my choices on their looks alone. I'm shallow ike that.

Then we have the finale of Australia's Next Top Model Series 5 - I've never seen any of the previous five series before, but got sucked into. The finale came down to the chick with a mouth that looks like a well fisted arsehole, Cassie;


Versus the classic, curvy, well mannered girl who deserves to win - Tahnee.


Thank Christ Tahnee won. A very nice young lady, though the "Curvy" tag is totally undeserved. She's not anorexic, so that makes her fat obviously in the fashion industry.

Then we have the premier of the latest series of Torchwood. For those of you who have no idea, Torchwood is fucking fantastic spin off from Doctor Who (Torchwood is an anagram of Doctor Who... clever hey?) and has more fantastic story telling (no time travel bull shit), and with lots of sexual shenanigans... same sex, bi sex, hetero sex. Lots of man on man kissing.

Loves it.

It stars the very lovely John Barrownman (below centre) - an out Scottish man who married his long time lover not too long ago. And he is rather fetching too.

Watch it... yes it's Sci Fi, but fucking watch it.

Then tomorrow its the premiere of the next season of Project Runway - Fashion designers meets reality TV.

Loves it.

There really hasn't been this much good TV in a long time... I don't think I'll be leaving the house anytime soon.

Ramsay - Top or Bottom?

This is an interesting side note in the whole Tracey Grimshaw vs Gordon Ramsay "Lesbian Pig Battle" that has been raging since the weekend - he was once arrested for toilet naughtiness in 1993.

From the couriermail.com.au;

Ramsay's alleged "lesbian" comment had opened the door to rumours about his own sexuality, sparked by a toilet arrest in 1993.

Ramsay was arrested with two other male chefs in a public toilet at London's Green Park tube station in March 1993 and cautioned for gross indecency.

"We were drunk, very silly and all of us were messing around in the toilet," Ramsay said today. We were taken in by the police, we all got our knuckles rapped but its nothing to do with homosexuality."

Nothing to do with homosexuality? The police don't take you away for cautioning for just pissing on the floor of a public restroom Mr Ramsay. You must have been doing something indecent (ie - extremely erotic) with those other gentlemen's peni for it to be recorded on your file.

So do you reckon he's a top or a bottom? I could imagine him in the middle of a spit roast. At least he couldn't complain so much if he had his mouth full of cock.

Home Blah...

You all know I love my reality TV, especially when hot men are involved, even more so when they are doing one of my most favourite gay things... interior design.

So I should really love HomeMade on channel nine. Ten interior designers all battling it out to renovate people's homes and change their lives forever....

Blah blah fucking blah.

This show is a load of shit, but it should be great. 5 guys, 5 girls get to redesign some run down homes on a tight time frame with a $50,000 budget. But it is so unbelievably boring. I think it has something to do with them stretching it out over two nights a week - there's just no sense of urgency or pressure, even though the teams are working to tight deadlines.

Its also very obvious they have picked the designers based on the "eye candy" factor. Normally this wouldn't worry me, but with the success of Master Chef on Ten, with its greatly diverse casting, HomeMade just looks shallow in comparison.

Now lets get to the good part... the men.

This one is my favourite... Mr Darren Palmer;

Nicely muscled, nice amount of chest hair and in Sunday night's episode they showed him shaving his own hair without a shirt on. Pity he's straight.

Next is Jason Sullivan;

The publicity shot from the site doesn't do him much justice, so here's a shirtless one;

Damn it being so small, but you get the gist of the hotness going on... Blondes don't usually do it for me, but I'd still say yes.

I missed Tuesday's elimination episode... and I really couldn't care less. One of the skanky no talent whore women went home anyway. I hope the next challenge is at a nudist colony or something... that would really make it a much more interesting show.

Nerds are sexy...

Two great new shows have started on pay TV in the last couple of weeks. Both are very different in their story telling, and challenge the basic notion of TV drama, and both star a couple of nerdy/geeky hot guys.

First off is Chuck, staring yummy Zachary Levi
Chuck works as a computer support guy in an electronics superstore when he accidentally absorbs the combined secrets of the CIA and NSA... making him potentially the most dangerous man in the world. He gets caught in a lot of James Bond type adventures and of course, manages to screw them up because he is no secret agent.

Its lots of fun, and Mr Levi is all kinds of hot (he actually played Kipp in "Less than Perfect" - all preppy and slicked back hair. I like him both ways). Defiantly worth a look.

Second is Pushing Daisies with the very sexy sounding Lee Pace ( he has the best voice);
Lee plays Ned "The Pie Maker" who has the ability to bring back people from the dead with a single touch. But if he touches them again, they die, this time forever. He has a great little scheme going on with a PI where they bring back the dead and then collect the reward money.

Things go off course when he brings back his first ever love from the dead- Chuck (a chick) and they start falling for each other - but alas, they can never touch.

Pushing Daisies is very very different TV. It was originally going to screen on Channel Nine, but its far too "different" to be shown on that network. It has some very bizarre narration and some of the plot twists are very bizarre. But I like it.

Two nerdy hot men, two very different TV shows.

I love having pay TV.

TV has warped my mind...

I'm having a bludge afternoon on the couch - well I'm feeling a bit down, and can't be arsed doing anything else, but more about that in another post.

So I'm tuning into one of my favourite new shows "Top Design" and have found a new object of my affection, Mr Preston Lee;

Well he doesn't get around like that on the show, and his hair is much gayer now, but in today's episode he was holding up something heavy and it looked like is biceps were gonna explode.

Hmmm... biceps.

I can't comment on the quality of his design work, because the project he did today was a team thing. I did look pretty, but I can't be certain he was the creative genius behind it.

I also can't find any sources confirming his sexuality, but I don't care. I likes what I see, and it stops me feeling crap for an hour, so it can't be that bad for me.

Hmmm... biceps.

Stop it woman, you're turning me on.

I have a shocking confession to make. No I don't sell my body on the streets for lines of crack. Nor do I secretly habour a lusting desire for Bert Newton (I hate Bert Newton so much I just want to go and punch him and his entire family right in their flabby jowels).

My shocking secrect is that I want to have Julia Zimero's babies.



Those eyes. Those lips. Those lucious lips encased in beautiful red lipstick. The intellegence. The wit. The bi-lingual tongue.

She just does it for me on sooooo many levels.

Sure, she is a bit of a polarisier. Many people, like my fine self, really dig Julia. Yet, for some strange reason, there are equally as many people who think she's an over blown smart arse bitch.

What is wrong with you people?

So Ms Zimero, you are a select member of the group of women that Benji would turn straight for. With Patience from the Grates and the ever-so-lovely Ms Smack, it's a small but very special group.

I hope you feel proud.

I'm gonna need to swab your mouth son.

I think I'm spending way too much time in front of the box lately. My new place has pay TV and hasn't it opened my eyes to a whole new realm of programming?

So many of my favourites, so many times through out the day, especially the animations. Family Guy and American Dad are killing me (though I am actually getting over the Simpsons. I think I've seen them all way too many times already. Thank you very much Channel Ten).

I'm loving the reality shows on Arena - Top Chef, Project Runway, Top Design. I love how most of them are actually pitting professionals against professionals, instead of wanna be try-hards who really have no discernible talents or skills, but their mum said they could have been a model/singer/dancer. Yes I'm looking at you Tyra Banks and your stupid Next Top Model.

But the one thing missing from pay TV is CSI. Not stupid the stupid Miami version (seriously Caruso, fuck off and die), and only sometimes NY, but I love the original Las Vegas version of the show.

Unlike Grissom, I'm not shagging a sexy female co-worker on the sly.

Like Grissom though, I am an arrogant wanker

The original line up of characters was fantastic, it showed some cutting edge visual effects, and really pushed the boundaries of dramatic TV. After so many years on screen it still is one of my favourites. But these days I find myself incorporating way too many aspects of the show into my life.

Sitting at Central Station this morning waiting for a connecting train I noticed a strange man come sauntering down the platform. He was a bit jittery, and really couldn't seem to decide on a place to stand or sit.

When he finally sat down on a seat opposite me I noticed a very sore and inflamed looking laceration around each ankle. Hmmm... has he just escaped from a deranged kidnapper's holding cell where he was securely bound at each ankle with some poly-vinyl rope purchased at Coles and cut with a pair of garden shears and secured in a traditional over-hand fisherman's knot?

Or maybe he was the victim of some kinky bedroom role-playing that got out of hand and after he escaped from his silk leg restraints he beat the crap out of his lover (male or female? We'll find out after the break) and is now running from the law, explaining his jittery state.

My mind was racing. Who was this man? What the hell caused those marks? Where the hell is my train?

But as my train finally arrived and he started screaming about Jesus and the cunts who stole his pills, I guessed he probably just got released from the PA's psych ward and probably needed to get back there ASAP.

I do fear that something will happen to me one day, and for some reason they'll want to shine the "blue light" around my bedroom.

Grissom - "We're gonna need a DNA sample from each of these deposits. Better bring me a couple of hundred swabs."

No More Zeke?

My world is falling apart. It's not the impending world-wide financial implosion. It's not my lack of balance and grace that has resulted in yet another sprained ankle. Its not even my complete lack of man action over the past 6 weeks.

Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like my supposed TV character crush, Zeke Kinski is about to be killed off in the new series of Neighbours.

It's all very doom and gloom on the show - three main characters have disappeared after a rafting adventure gone wrong. "Lesbian-in-waiting" Bridgette Parker, "Stupid-bitch-enabler" Libby Kennedy (and Zeke's step-sister) and the man who inspired this blog, Mr Zeke Kinksi.

Why Zeke? Why?

Surely Bridgette would have been the better choice to off. She does nothing in the show but get hit by cars and fall pregnant every three weeks. Then there's Libby. The 40-year-old teacher living at home with her parents and her crack addicted son who some how manages to be a teacher despite being an illiterate pole dancer. Why don't the producers kill that skank off instead?

But the real question is why do all these stupid soap characters decide to go on dangerous excursions and potentially life-threatening escapades so close to the end of year? Surely they know the chances of one of them getting killed off are so high that they're better off staying at home and watching DVD's all through November and December? The writers would probably decide to give them food poisoning through a pack of tim tams that some one left out in the sun and tease us for months as to which one will die from acute diarrhoea.

But the usually smart and sensible Zeke ignores the safe and easy choice decides to go on a dangerous rafting ride anyway.

WHY ZEKE? WHY?

How can my blog, nay, my LIFE go on if you don't resurface from the dank waters of the Murray River and continue to be a sullen brooding teen? Who am I going to assign my inappropriate crushes on? Stupid Ringo or dumb-ass Declan? God no. Zeke is the thinker of them all. Where will my teen angst quotient be filled?

I'm sobbing silently at my desk at the very thought of Zeke disappearing from our screens.

But life will prevail. My blogging will continue. I'll just hang on to the hope that Zeke's disemboweled, headless, crocodile ravaged, maggot infested body is found in a beaver damn and Doctor Karl performs life-saving CPR on the boy and he will make a full and speedy recovery in the first half of the next episode so he can continue to wow us with his acting abilities, and emo-angsty-teenager character arcs.

I have come with another blog title just in case, but "Fuck You Libby Kennedy" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Sound financial decisions in these tough economic times

So who's feeling the pinch of the economic crisis? Are you worried about losing your job if the economy tanks? Are the interest rate cuts too little too late and you are already sleeping in a caravan on your sister's front lawn, with a pee bucket by the door because she won't let you in the house after she's gone to bed?

Well Foxtel have a solution for you... get Pay TV!

I'm sure you've seen the ads where the crotchety old mother tells her daughter that she's gonna have to be more careful with her money because of the economy, but the daughter says "It's OK - we got Foxtel!!!!!"

"It lets us record all our favourite shows and we'll save heaps of money on going out! It'll bring the family together! And it's free!"

Hmmm... there are so many things wrong with that quote;

"Lets us record our favourite shows..." -If you mean sitcoms such as Will and Grace, or the Simpsons or any other 90's sitcom most of which are available on Free to Air TV, or available in cheap as chips DVD's from JB Hi Fi.

"It'll bring the family together..." - sure, your pudgy, lazy arse kids are gonna be much more family orientated as they sit on the lounge not talking to you as they watch crap TV repeats.

"We'll save heaps of money on going out" - so you want your children to be hermit-like shut-ins who rarely venture outside and will have limited social skills and as such will be shunned by their peers in their depressing future?

"And it's free" - well they are giving you 12 months of Foxtel IQ for free, and that's usually $100 a month, so that is a good deal, but they fail to mention that you need to still sign up for a subscription to Foxtel, which from memory starts around $95 a month.

So your family will get fatter as they will be sitting on their arse all day, your kids won't talk to you because TV is more important, but then again they won't be talking to anyone due to inept social skills, and you'll still be short $100 a month for your mortgage.

Sounds like a wise investment. Wise investment indeed.

Cricket is so.... sexy?

I'm happy to admit that I find nothing more boring than watching cricket on TV. It's just so god-damn repetitive. And those fucking commentators drive me insane. I know they have a tough gig giving a running update on the world's most boring game, but please could you bring some personality to the microphone?

Who wants to watch 12 men stand around a big grassy paddock chucking balls at each other for 12 hours in a day, with the coma inducing tones of Messers Benaud, Chappel and Lawry?

Not I, said the fly.

But my opinion could be swayed. The Courier Mail has published a nice little pic of Shane Watson, baring just enough flesh to get me interested;




Hmmm... just a little bit different to the Merv Hughes/David Boon days, don't ya think?

So did you wash your hair before you appeared on TV?

The ARIAs - boring

Hamish and Andy - lame

Gabriella Cilmi - please wash your hair

The Veronicas - blonde doesn't suit the one on the right

Hamish and Andy - feeble

Sam Sparro - Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber?

Myf Warhurst - your boobs. Set them free.

The Living End - rocked big time

Hamish and Andy - why are these two so popular? Why?

Chris Lilley - target of my new mini crush

Presets - yay for winning, boo for selling your songs to advertisers

Joe Six Pack and friends...

I've resisted the urge to do a post about the US presidential election for so long now, but stupid Sarah Palin is just giving me too much ammunition to ignore.


I'm really beginning to think the woman is retarded. I'm not sure that she ever actually said "I can see Russia from my house", but she is using Alaska's proximity to the former Soviet Union as her qualification for US foreign policy. That's kinda like me saying that since I've seen a couple of vadge's, so I'm now qualified to be your gynaecologist.

In an interview with Katie Couric, she was asked what news publications she reads to keep abreast of all the current events. "All of them." Hmmm... concise answer there Sarah, but not what Katie wanted. When pressed for specific details she responded with "You know, generally, all of them." This woman was a journalism major at college, so for her not to be able to name a single news paper is pretty damn scary. I'd almost expect her to say "The Bible" is her only source of news.

She is very vocal about being anti-abortion (it should be illegal in all cases except death for the mother, she says), and doesn't believe in sex education being taught in schools (well she thinks kids she be taught abstinence but not how to use contraception) - so that's probably how her 16 year old daughter ended up pregnant and unwed. She probably just telling the girl to pray for a miscarriage.

Some other scary points - lifetime member of the NRA, supports the teaching of "Creationism" in schools, against gay marriage and gay partner benefits, disagrees with listing the polar bear and beluga whale as endangered species and thinks man has nothing to do with Global warming.

I think she is taking the conservative point of view to the extreme.

I know everyone is entitled to their own political beliefs, but it's a fucking scary thought that this woman has a 50-50 chance of being the under study to the president of the USA. Very scary.

And the final nail in the coffin for me against Palin? While she was mayor of the Alaskan town of Wasilla, it was her policy that rape victims were charged for their rape kits (between $300 and $1200). Hmmm... that's not going to discourage women from coming forward to report the crime is it? That is a disgusting policy.

The only good thing about Palin in the race for Vice President is that it's giving the fantastic Tina Fey so much comedy gold

The resemblence is uncanny, and Fey has got the accent down pat. Watch some of the SNL videos over at Gay Sky Hooker

I love you Tina. I'd go straight for you Tina.

Seriously.

They should play in the buff...

It's well known that I have an aversion to sport. Don't play it, don't watch it, don't care for it at all. So I am glad to see the back end of the NRL for another season - especially this season.

One of the things that shits me the most is the TV coverage. Chanel Nine has had the NRL for ever, but the crap they go on with is insufferable. The footy show is 90 minutes of pure pain. I'd prefer to have another root canal without anesthetic than watch that bull shit. Men in dresses was funny when Monty Python did it about 30 years ago, but now it just looks homophobic and sad. Get a new joke morons.

Paul Vautin is a cock head of monumental proportions. Have you noticed that when he thinks he's said or done something clever he has a stupid little smirk on his face and does a little head shake. Do you have early stages Parkinson's disease fuck wit? Well, stop it.

And I refuse to refer to him by his nick name - you are 50 years old man. Stop going by the name given to you because you were a fat little cunt at school.

So with this cock head and the rest of the cunts on the Footy Show also heading up the commentary for the games with the addition of Ray Warren, I have to refrain from flinging poo at the TV. The biased commentary, the boring analogies about shit no one cares about, the continual questioning and bagging out of the refereee's calls. THEY JUST MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

And how many "scandals" were there this year? Greg Bird got arrested outside the Uber in Brisbane (BTW - the best cocktails on the planet), Sione Faumuina chucked a glass at mirror in the same bar not too many months later. Then there was the decided lack of action taken against the Bronco's and all their alleged piss head shenanigans the week before they got knocked out of the finals.

Seriously, how did the three guys in the centre of this get on the field the following weekend? Oh that's right, the club was more concerned about staying in the series then actually disiplining a trio of drunk blokes for dangerous and anti-social behaviour that bought the reputation of their club, their sport and their town into disrupte. If they were out of the finals those tools would have been fired on the spot.

Then there's the grand final: a 40 - nil score line is a freaking joke. Seriously, I reckon my Grandmother's Bowls team could score better than that in a first grade grand final. That's why I took a dog for a walk during the whole mess.

But I do have a solution for next year. They need to clone the hotness is that is Mr Cooper Cronk, and fill every team with his hot hot clones. And play in the nude.



Nudity - that's my answer to everything lately.

RIP - Levi from Idol 2003

2003 Australian Idol finalist Levi Kereama has been found dead after jumping from his hotel room in Brisbane.

Levi had just performed at Park Life on Saturday. He had reportedly been suffering from depression.

Another young guy suffering from depression has killed themselves - there is a serious problem in this country when talented people can't face living life.


For assistance and confidential counseling call Life Line on 13 11 14.

(Source - TV Tonight)