Have you been drinking?

More Micallef comic genius...

The Brownish Bomber

Shaun Micallef is a comic genius (as long as you ignore his horrible short-lived legal sitcom "Welcher & Welcher"), with his best character ever being Milo Kerrigan. The former boxer turned weather man, is an absolute crack up. Enjoy;

Hell Damn Arse Kings - this will be offensive...

WARNING - this post contains some fairly heavy language. Read at your own peril.

(Classic post from August 2007)

Right.... I used to be very inventive with my swear words. And I take ownership of some of the more "colourful" expressions used today.

I worked in hospitality for years, and it was no fun calling the chef a "Fucking retarded monkey raper" every single night. It was just too boring. And he eventually became immune, and moved onto raping pigs instead.

So I started to play with existing swears and made them more fun.

Cunty "Where's the cunty fish for table three?" - hmmm slightly offensive

Cuntle "Hey cuntle, why does this salad look like its full of your pubic hair?" - a little better, at least I insulted his cooking as well.

Cuntox "Your stupid ugly whore wife is on line three cuntox" - perfect - call him a cunt while insulting the wife.

Needless to say, I really was a cunt when I was a restaurant manager - dish hands often cried. Wait staff were easily fired. Alcohol was drunk way too often.

I used to have fun though... one night it was so dead and my favourite apprentice was on, so I decided to change the cash register so that it printed out differently in the kitchen. Eg - Beef Burger with Fries became Cunt Burger with a side of muff.

What a laugh riot I was.

I did struggle when I left the industry and moved into call centres. Apparently its poor form to put a customer on hold and say "Hey, this cunt wants to insure her cat. What a stupid cunt".

That's how I became a team leader.

Come to think of it - I was a cunt of a team leader too. Consultants cried, temps were easily fired. Too much alcohol was drunk.

I had to cut back so much on the offensive language when I joined TAFE. Some people actually find "cunt" to be offensive. Wow.

I thought I'd lost the knack, but in the last few weeks the potty mouth really has back into existence. Its very liberating to swear like a truckie in polite company. I can't wait for the day I drop a f bomb in a meeting. Or the c bomb during a student orientation session.

It's like I'm a born again cunter.

No talent whores...

(Old post from October 2007)

Tell you what... I am fucking over Brittney Spears.

Wait - I'm not really. She's a train wreck of a human being who either had some talent at the start, or a really good manager who managed to turn her into a major sensation and that deserves some kudos.

Snaps to Brit Brit.

What I am really over is the god-damn irrational media fascination with her downfall brought about by her supposed drug use and the fact that she is now a lard arse whore.

Example - On Perezhilton.com this morning out of the first 12 stories, 8 were Britney Spears related.

That's a whole 75% percent (yes I can do maths) that were all about her buying coffee, going into court, coming out of court, being yelled at by people, and generally being a lazy slut.

Then there is the crap about Alli Simms, K-Fed, her mother, her sister, the stupid body guard, her hair free Va-Jay-Jay being flashed every where, photo-shopped pics to make her arse look even bigger, Sarah Silverman, JT shagged her, her smashing into cars and then leaving the scene.

Do we really fucking care? Do we? Well?

Fuck you Perez "Quadruple Chin" Hilton and your obvious lack of material to keep your site entertaining. You better pull up your act or I'm gonna forget you exist.

Actually - I think I am really over that fat wanker. His site has become all about his lame TV appearances, his fucking stupid "night-club" appearances and links back to his completely cunty youtube vids.

There must be better celebrity gossip blogs out there (Dlisted comes to mind, and D-Famer for the australian flavour) - so its time to boycott Mr "my fat latino thighs rub together so much they bleed all over my gay white pants suit" Hilton, and find a new source for non-britney realted gossip.

Die Perez, die.

Better give the coffin makers some notice though - they don't keep XXXXXL size coffins in stock you fat fuck.

That's all I have to say on the matter.

Love

Cranky McCrank Crank
(aka - Ben)

PS - yes I know by blogging about Brit, I am perpetuating the thing I hate about all the media attention. Blow me - I'm not in the media, just a cranky former fatty.

I must be hungry.

PPS - yes I know I was extremely harsh about Perez's size, and that would have made me cry when I was that fat, but he is in the media, so fuck him. Go get a personal trainer and stop annoying me tubby.

So sleepy, so very sleepy

(Old post from October 2007)

Warning - If you don't think I'm a strange man already, you will after reading this blog

The last few nights I haven't been sleeping too well. Not because of stress or from being anxious about work, it's because I'm a sleepwalker and it's driving me fucking insane.

Not just sleep walking but sleep talking/fighting/arguing/ironing/singing/dressing/driving/home renovations etc etc etc.

Seriously.

More often than not the only indication that something has happened is that I'll wake up with the lamp on, so I'll turn it off and go back to sleep. And then in 40 mins time wake up with it back on again. Not overly exciting, but as annoying as fuck when it happens 5 or 6 times a night.

There have been quite a few extreme cases. Like the night where I went to every room in the house and removed the light bulb from the ceiling. I woke up with 9 light bulbs on the floor beside my bed and a chair or a milk crate in each room that I must have stood on.

Luckily I lived alone at the time.

That was kind of freaky, but I had no idea I was doing it until the next morning. Its worse when I somehow become lucid in the middle of the act, and can't stop myself.

There was the case most recently where I gave my cat away when I was moving house, and he ran away from the new place. I had dreamt that he was outside (maybe a guilty conscience haunting my dreams) and I actually found myself at the front door, with it wide open with the expectation that my cat was coming inside.

I knew he wasn't out there, but I couldn't stop myself - I had to pick up the keys, go and unlock the door and go outside.

FOUR TIMES.

Fucking psycho alert

I have reportedly had coherent and intelligent conversations with housemates about politics and religion, completely stripped the bed (including pillow cases), woken up in school uniform, packed my bags for some imaginary trip away, woken up the house signing Pearl Jam top note or having a very loud one sided argument, woke up the parents as I was trying to leave the house to go fishing, rearange furniture, unplugged all the electrical items in my room and put them in the cupboard.

It goes on and on.

I've been doing it since I was about 12, and the more mentally exhausted I am the worse the problem is. And of course all the sleep walking makes me even more tired for the next day. Thus the cycle of insanity continues.

Luckily I rarely leave my room (calm down Surmon - I'm not going to run into your room with a knife - well not while I'm asleep anyway) - and it's more often than not the light thing, or maybe the pillow cases - but its still freaking annoying when you've only got two or three hours sleep.

I'm not a psycho.... just freaking tired because of it.

Countries that end in the letter "Y"

Let's revisit some of my favourite old postings from myspace (From June 27, 2007 - I'm too lazy to write anything new right now)

Actually looking for 7 countries that end in "Y"? Click here

Kat and I went down to the Hammo Hotel last night for some healthy dinner (Hmmm hamburger and chips), and play some dodgy pub trivia.

I love trivia. Just love it. Seriously.

I always win trivial pursuit when I play during a blackout with the family (cause you wouldn't want to play it any other time because it's gay).

And I'm really good at the those late night Quiz Mania shows - though I've never picked up the phone to try and enter. Not at $3.95 a minute.

And never Hotdogs.

And pictionary - is that even trivia? I don't know but my team always wins pictionary, even though I can't draw for shit.

I am seriously a trivia genius, usually. Not last night. We sucked big time.

Who the hell was married to Anne Hathaway? Isn't she the chick out of the Princess Diary movies? No, she was married to William Shakespeare. Hmmm. Old dead people, that's not trivia.

Who is married to Julie Andrews - Captain Von Trap of course.

Name all 5 original fruitloops flavours. We put green, purple, orange, pink and red. What they're not flavours? Purple's a flavour for fuck sake. At least we got one point for orange.

Who were the first two people to climb everest and survive? We put Edmund Hillary (knew that was right). 2nd answer? Jesus.

WRONG DUMB ASS

Our crowning glory came with the following question - "Name seven countries that end in "Y"". Ms Surmon leans over and in the most serious whisper I have ever heard, says,

"Yugoslavia"

Pure, unadulterated, worthy-of-entry-to-MENSA genius.

Sadly, we only came up with one (Italy) and out of desperation put down Kat's answer hoping for a sympathy point. Which we didn't get.

Weirdly the things we got right are so very out of scope for me and Kat. Anything to do with the bible we got full points (save the Jesus climbed Mt Everest answer). Golf questions were also a winner.

The final question - "What 80's pop group were originally known as "2 Tons of Fun"?" -

The Weather Girls - I got it right.

I'm so gay.