Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Hell Damn Arse Kings - this will be offensive...

WARNING - this post contains some fairly heavy language. Read at your own peril.

(Classic post from August 2007)

Right.... I used to be very inventive with my swear words. And I take ownership of some of the more "colourful" expressions used today.

I worked in hospitality for years, and it was no fun calling the chef a "Fucking retarded monkey raper" every single night. It was just too boring. And he eventually became immune, and moved onto raping pigs instead.

So I started to play with existing swears and made them more fun.

Cunty "Where's the cunty fish for table three?" - hmmm slightly offensive

Cuntle "Hey cuntle, why does this salad look like its full of your pubic hair?" - a little better, at least I insulted his cooking as well.

Cuntox "Your stupid ugly whore wife is on line three cuntox" - perfect - call him a cunt while insulting the wife.

Needless to say, I really was a cunt when I was a restaurant manager - dish hands often cried. Wait staff were easily fired. Alcohol was drunk way too often.

I used to have fun though... one night it was so dead and my favourite apprentice was on, so I decided to change the cash register so that it printed out differently in the kitchen. Eg - Beef Burger with Fries became Cunt Burger with a side of muff.

What a laugh riot I was.

I did struggle when I left the industry and moved into call centres. Apparently its poor form to put a customer on hold and say "Hey, this cunt wants to insure her cat. What a stupid cunt".

That's how I became a team leader.

Come to think of it - I was a cunt of a team leader too. Consultants cried, temps were easily fired. Too much alcohol was drunk.

I had to cut back so much on the offensive language when I joined TAFE. Some people actually find "cunt" to be offensive. Wow.

I thought I'd lost the knack, but in the last few weeks the potty mouth really has back into existence. Its very liberating to swear like a truckie in polite company. I can't wait for the day I drop a f bomb in a meeting. Or the c bomb during a student orientation session.

It's like I'm a born again cunter.

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