Nothing says sexy like 29 stuffed toys and a naked, hairy man...

Warning - this post maybe slightly NSFW (but the naughtier bits are a bit further down), and contains more than enough gay bits to scare off the straights. OK, its probably totally not safe for work.

I've found a funky little site that's updated daily called "It's Lovely, I'll Take It" which showcases some of the horrible pictures that people put up on line that they think will make their homes much more sellable.

Example 1;

Wow, your house has a great big garage, but does the stripped cop car come with it too? How about you sweep the driveway and remove the shit from the garden before you take a shot?

Or how abouts example number 2?
Toppled chairs, a book case, curtains and a door. It has everything I need!

There are heaps more shonky real estate pics over on the site, so go take a look.

So it was with great delight that I found a site that operates on a very similar premise, but involves gay men, their craptacular decorating tastes and nudity.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the totally NSFW Lurid Digs. A site that showcases some of the horrible pictures that people put up on line of themselves that they think will make them so much more doable.

Example 1;

They were looking at me. With their eyes (and yes there are 29 of them. That's wrong on so many levels).

Example 2;
Don't you just want to take a shower after looking at this? Who knows what you'll catch if you kneel down on that floor.

And example the third;

He's really quite cute. But what's the deal with the strange assortment of candles? A bear, a clown, and a trippy castle doesn't equal hot stud really. And would it hurt you to make the bed?

Surely these gays could have looked around the room and thought "hmmm... maybe people will think my collection of smurf memorabilia, dirty plates and the dog spew stain on the floor makes me a dud root. Better clean up a bit first!"?

It's apparently the gay way to post a picture of your gay penis when setting up a gay account on a gay dating site. Don't ask me why, but it seems if you haven't got a digital shot of your tumescent todger, it must mean it's a) very tiny, or b) actually a vagina.

I'm happy however, to announce that my meat and two veg is not on display for the gays on gaydar. That explains why I get very few hits on that site, and that doesn't worry me at all.

Now... we just need to get more shots of Kezza's peen on line and we'll all be happy! Well I will be, and that's all that matters.

Now that's my kind of personals ad...

Any takers?

You put what in where?

Like I've said before, my coming out process has been relatively pain free. No hate, no friendships cut short, no spitting in my face and telling me that I'm going to burn in hell for participating in bum fun. It's all been nice as pie so far.

One of the strange side effects of everyone readily accepting my lifestyle has been the strange questions that they now think are fine to ask. The most common one tends to be "Is he gay?" regarding any well dressed, nicely toned man that a friend and I will pass in the street. Unfortunately, unless I'm in a gay bar pashing on with said bloke, I generally have no idea. The other most common question used to be "Have you told your parents yet?".

And yes, I have.

But by far the strangest one came from a tipsy work colleague at a comedy club outing to see Kitty Flanagan a few months ago. This particular girl is generally very quiet, shy and and unassuming (though has got a wicked sense of humour);

"So tell me Ben," stumbles, giggles, spills wine, gets distracted by shiny object on table "Um, I've heard of this one thing gay men like to do..."

I was waiting for the not very uncommon question about oral/anal/cumming/fisting/golden showers/Mr Hands/Two Girls One Cup/Scat etc, that drunk friends like to ask. But what came next blew me away;

"Have you ever stuffed a hanky up a guys bum and then it pulled out as he came?"

**Crickets chirping loudly**

"You know, cause I've heard all you guys like to do it."

Out of all the gross things I've seen on the web, read about on the web, or potentially done to some bloke with a fetish (not saying I've done those sort of things), that has to be the strangest, most fucked up thing I have ever heard of.

So has anyone done it? I've Googled it but can't find anything. I also Googled "Brazilian Fart Porn" - and that's fucking hilarious.

I need answers... please supply.

It's like I've grown a third nipple over night

I have a pimple. It's big, bloody, painful pimple. Not on my face luckily, but on my chest, just below my heart.

So big infact, that when I was walking down to get my wonton soup for lunch I noticed that it is now visible under my business shirt. My nipples are always erect, and now it looks like I've grown a third one to join in all the fun.

It'll definitely be a "lights off" session tonight me thinks.

Seriously... open a fucking window

I'm back to drinking heaps of water at work. It's great for cutting back on my caffeine addiction - both carbonated and frothy hot versions. But one of the side effects of course is that you have to go and let it back out so often. That puts me in a scary position of actually having to enter the toilets in this building.

It's not like they are badly maintained or filthy like a set of public toilets in a park - it's just that people in this place seem to have no aversion to dropping the kids off at the pool during business hours.

I don't know about you guys, but I hate having to take a visit to the porcelain office at work. I'd much prefer to do it in my own home. There's far less chance of your Director actually walking in and knowing you had a particularly spicy curry for dinner last night. But there are many, many men in this place that obviously wouldn't care if the Pope needed to use the facilities after them.

I feel really guilty about making a deposit during work hours too. I am being paid about 66 cents per minute to sit here and read the graffiti on the back of the door. But its obvious the other public servants in my building have no qualms at all clogging the plumbing while on the Premier's time.

At any given moment you can walk into one of three men's toilets in the building (considering there's about 200 staff in this place, the facilities are a little on the limited side) and you can be guaranteed to see at least one or two cubicles in use. Or if the doors aren't closed, your nose is quickly affronted by who was in there last. From the sounds and smells that come out of those cubicles, I am really starting to worry about some of these blokes. Eat some fruit and vegetables for fuck sake. Your ring will thank you for the fibre.

But the poo problems aren't limited to the men by the sounds of it - I was standing at the urinal trying not to breath in the stink of previous visitors when the unmistakable sounds of someone with the green apple splatters hits my ears - but some what faintly.

I looked around, but all three cubicles were vacant, so where did it come from? Then I heard it again and realised that the wall of the urinal is a shared wall to ladies conveniences. There was one sick, sick lady in there.

It reminded me of that scene from "Not Another Teen Movie" - you know the one I mean.

How to look like a whore...

Wow, this is one classy look;

Jodie Marsh looks absolutely hot as in this outfit. She just needed a camel toe to set off the "sophisticated lady off to the races" look.

PS - Jodie is famous in the UK for being a "glamour" model. That means she gets her tits out in classy publications like People.

She is one elegant broad.



Image via Dlisted

How to look more buff?

Some men do the weirdest things to their body.

In New York, where all the fit, beautiful people hang out, men are resorting to a extreme, and slightly bizarre measures to pick up in clubs. They are slathering their torsos with Preparation H in an attempt to seem more ripped and thus land the loveliest ladies.

When asked describe the practice one guy said "The way you use it is to take your shirt off and rub it all over yourself before you go to the club. If you want to get [lucky], you have to know how to dance, and if you want girls to dance with you, you have to look ripped."

Preparation H is a haemorrhoid cream that works by constricting the blood vessels on the area to which its applied - reducing swelling and water retention. It's apparently a great relief when applied to a sore anus (not that I'd know what that feels like), and some movie stars claim its great for bags under the eyes.

Competitive body builders have used it for many years. It can provide an instant reduction in swelling and make certain muscle groups more distinct - especially the abs.

This strange little ritual seems to be only perpetrated by straight men. Fucking weirdos.

It's finger licking good!

This news is pretty fucking gross, but I just had to pass it on. From Defamer Australia comes this finger smelling piece of info;

"A claim by Big Brother evictee Rebecca about the filthy actions of another housemate has sparked an investigation by Channel Ten into goings on within the compound.

Rebecca claimed during an interview with the Daily Telegraph that fellow housemate Dixie routinely wiped herself "downstairs" then touched people's faces and food.

The incident was reported as the filthiest thing to happen in the house since the infamous 'turkey slap' where two male housemates were involved in rubbing genitals on a female housemate's face."

Vomit

Apparently Big Brother has investigated (some sad fucker had to watch hours and hours of footage) but could not find Dixie doing anything along those lines. They just found heaps of film of her whining and complaining constantly.

Though she does threaten to do it several times.