Sheer and sexy...

Fashion trends offend me. Simple really. They make me want to stab my eyes out. Like the supposed City Short phenomenon that supposed to be on our streets right about now - I'm sure Brisbane men would be beaten to a pulp at the train station if they went out dress like that.

And now to get you beaten up for sure, we have "Mantyhose". Yes that's right pantyhose for men. Take a look;

That is just G-A-Y. I don't know what sane man would go out in public actually wearing anything like that (though I do like the pattern on the first pic).

Do you want to look like a 80's throw back - a la Adam Ant? Do you want to look like your 80 year old grandfather who's just had surgery and needs support hose to prevent clotting? Do you like the feel of sheer ladies' hosiery against your skin but just aren't satisfied with the overly feminine colours and patterns? Then head over to E-Mancipate to view their catalogue and buy yourself a few pairs.

Or just go there for a laugh like I did.

Such a filthy mind...

Has anyone else noticed that in the "Lynx Dark Temptation" ad, that it kind of looks like the chick that takes a bite out his bum has shit all over her face? Or is it just me?



Nah... I'm sure it's just me.

(Thanks to Tristan for putting that filthy thought in my head)

Huge mobile = small penis?

I know I was complaining about my brick-sized Nokia N95, but it's a freaking feather compared to this behemoth from the 1980's;

The state-of-art mobile telephony device was released by Telecom back in 1987 at the bargain basement price of $6700, and had a talk time of 1 hour.

I love the handy carry strap.

(Pic from News.com.au)

I'm turning into my mother

No, I haven't grown boobs and a vadge (though boobs would fun to play with right about now) - I've started loving a Scotch Finger biscuit dunked into a cup of tea.

I hoed into a few of those single serve packs of Arnott's biscuits yesterday at a meeting (seriously, my arse is getting bigger by the second), and ever since, I've had a hankering for mass-produced, American-owned, dry shortbread to soak up my sugary tea.

I even almost bought a pack from Coles at lunch time the craving was that strong.

The next thing you know I'll be sitting down dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon and start being offended by today's "youth" at every opportunity.

Kill me now.

Why yes, that is an erection!

I finally got around to upgrading my mobile phone.

I used to have a nice little slim-line Sony Ericsson s500i. It was a slider which had pretty green buttons and had pretty flashing lights. Not many features but I thought it looked pretty cool (if a little bit gay with the flower wall paper) . But it was on prepaid with Virgin (who have the worst prepaid deals on the planet) and the buttons were breaking and it was slowly dieing.

So I bit the bullet and went and got a new phone. On a plan even, so I don't have to worry about running out of credit after sending a million texts to the man every night. It was either gonna be an iPhone or a Nokia. I'm not that much of a pretentious wanker so I chose the Nokia N95 8gb.

While I love the features on it (great 5 mega pixel camera, great music player, and still the same easy to use Nokia menus and messaging) its the size of a fucking brick. When I stick it in my pants pocket it feels like I've got a big old clunky mobile from the early 90's in there.

Since I've put on some weight and my pants are getting a bit tight, I'm sure it makes me look like I've got a weird shaped erection when I walk down the mall. So I hold on to it instead - which looks like I'm holding a gay little coin purse.

Weird-shaped erection, or gay coin purse? I'm gonna look like a freak either way.

Don't make me stab you...

Have you ever searched in vain for a teaspoon in the office only not to find one and then decide to use a pen to stir your double shot soy caramel latte, and then the pen gets all sticky and the coffee actually tastes a bit plastic-y and all you can think is I'm probably drinking some hand sweat right now?

No, that has never happened to me, but these nifty little inventions will help you out if you ever are at loss for usable cutlery again.

Simply attach them to your favourite writing implement and stir, fork or cut away. Your hand sweat will still end in your coffee though, especially when you buy those big arse mega-sized grande things from Star Bucks.

I'd like the knife and fork - one of my stupid office locations has absolutely no forks in the staff room. Tonnes of knives and teaspoons (I actually saw the Director eating a salad with a spoon last week). And the damn canteen charges 20 cents for a plastic fork - tight arse pricks.

The knife attachment could be dangerous though. I could see myself stabbing one or two cunts in this place and then simply hiding the evidence in my pocket.

"It wasn't me officer, all I have in my hand is my trusty black biro, with some blood on it. There's no way it could have caused that sized wound to her face".

Two hours to holidays and counting.

(Pic from joe.my.god)

Wow grandma... you're really hyper today

I'm on a beverage roll right now. Reports on coffee last night before bed and now a cup of tea this morning for a refreshing change. Well, morphine-laced tea any way.

Reports from news.com.au that poppy seed tea available on most supermarket shelves can be brewed to give drug addicts highs up to 12 hours long.

"A 17-year-old user from Adelaide said if "you do this right, you get f**ked up… This is the best high I’ve had for such a small price".

For those of you that don't know, opium is derived from poppy seeds. There is even a species of poppy call the opium poppy.

So I'm guessing you need to brew this in a certain way to extract the drug... wait, why am I even considering this?

Explains why Grandma Duce has been off the planet so much lately.

But they're the chain that doesn't hate gays...

Sad news for lovers of shit house coffee... Starbucks Australia are downsizing.

From news.com.au;

"INTERNATIONAL coffee chain Starbucks will close 61 Australian stores within days, at the cost of 685 jobs. After the closures this Sunday, 23 stores will remain open in Melbourne, Brisbane and Sydney. The company says the 61 locations to be closed have been under performing."

Well if you make shit coffee and charge a fortune for it what the hell do you expect.

I will miss the fraps and the fact they don't hate the gays like Gloria Jeans.

Oh well... Boost will get all my business from now on.

I smell a cross-promotion

Is there no stopping the force that is Jennifer Hawkins? In addition to being super hot, and from all reports "a really nice person", there is news this morning that Jen has launched a range of swim wear called "Cozi".

Good on her. I don't begrudge people cashing in on their 15 minutes of fame while they can, and Jen has been doing very well getting on TV shows - The Great Outdoors, Dancing with the Stars and several guest appearances on the Apprentice in the US (the Trump just loves her guts).

And now she's got a new show coming out. Jen will host"Make Me A Supermodel" on Seven. It's basically America's/Australia's Next Top Model, but with male and female contestants.

But suspicious Benji smells an opportunistic cross-promotion happening here.

Her swim wear line is released ten days before the premiere of her new show? That's got to give Seven some extra publicity.

I can also imagine there will be a swimsuit task in the show, and I'm sure they will be wearing Cozi brand dicktogs and bikini's. More money for Jen when all the little girls demand mum and dad buy some of her togs.

Now I'll be forced to watch every episode of Make Me a Supermodel just to see if I'm right... yeah, like I wasn't going to be watching it anyway.

(Pic from TV Tonight)

Got stinky flaps?

In the interests of providing an equal and balanced blog, and after providing health and product advice for men in the past, I now present for you the latest high need product for women. RepHresh!



After your period... repHresh?
After intercourse... repHresh.
After douching.. repHresh!

I don't know if this is a major issue for my penis-free readers - and I'm thankful that I'll never be going near another va-jay-jay to learn why the hell this product even exists, but I hope the thought of applying this cream makes you want to do a little dance like the ladies in the ad.

Available where you buy your other weird vadge stuff.

Got stinky balls?

This wins the award for the most unnecessary product of the year. Balla, scented powder for men. But what sort of powder? Ball powder.

Seriously.

According to their website -

"Balla Powder for Men is the ideal anti-chafing and anti-wetness solution for clammy sacks. Guaranteed to prevent the dreaded 'bat wing' syndrome, Balla Powder for Men is lightly scented with a masculine fragrance, for anyone else who plans to work in your close quarters. Can be sprinkled into your fudgies for all-day-long comfort and dryness. A fabulous post-workout treatment, Balla Powder for Men can also be used between your cheeks, as well as on fetid feet and aromatic armpits."

Can't say I've suffered from overly moist balls. Pretty sure Kat has though.

Thanks to towleroad for the best laugh I've had for a while

Extra cheese on that?

Wow... I didn't think the New Kids on the Block would actually get their act together and release anything, but looks like I was wrong.

Don't know when it's released, or if this is just a single or what - I'm flummoxed at the choice of title.

"Summer Time" - ultra laid back middle of road bull shit, or ultra gay single designed to appeal to their now middle aged fans? Cheesey.

Though the middle guy is kinda hot... (please don't judge me)

(image from dlisted.com)