Say hello to my little friend...

Madonna here got scared when my mate Laura kicked her accidentally, so she climbed onto my foot for safety.

I am not a fan of Madonna's new single at all. I told her that and she ran off into the bushes to cry.

True story.

And you thought I was dead...

A quick post to update what's been going down in Benji town...

Moved house (again) -Yay!

On holidays til Jan 4 - Yay!

Drinking way too much while on holidays - Yay!

Kept seeing that guy who was already in a relationship for almost three months - Idiot!

But I dumped him - Yay!

Regular posting will resume soon... I think

Best key word search ever...

Some one found my blog with the following Ggoogle search;

"Since I stopped drinking I seem to have a rash"

Doctor Benji recommends you start drinking again to see if it goes away.

FAIL!!!1!

...or is it a win?

Blogging is hard....

So here's a picture of a clam....

My talents number three...

I can do a lot of things. Tie my shoelaces, deep throat bananas, ignore the bible. But there are many things I simply cannot do, and really wish I could;

Grow a beard - while I have very coarse stubble (many men whinge about pash rash after a session with me), I can't get it to form any sort of reasonable looking facial hair. I'd love a goatee, but it just looks like a rodent has been trying to form a nest on my face.

Sing - tone deaf I am. I used to have to do a singing component to my music exams as a teen, and I had one examiner remark "I've heard dying elephants sound better than that". Karaoke is not my friend, but how I wish it was.

Cook a roast - I am a good cook, I really am. So cooking a roast should be simple. Turn on the oven, bung in the slab of meat, chuck in the veggies, make gravy, enjoy. But no.... the last time I tried a roast it took forever and was fucking horrible, so I went and got subway for everyone.

Run - well I try to run from a fitness perspective, but it's more of a shuffling wheezing, death jog where I'm all hunched over like an arthritic old man. I do hope with time I will be one of those guys you see running down street looking like they're going for a simple stroll. But I just don't think it will ever happen.

Pronounce words the containing the "th" sound - yes, I actually have a speech impediment. It's more of a lazy tongue thing though. Where as normal people's tongue will automatically go forward to touch their teeth when pronouncing any word with the "th" sound, mine just flaps about and does weird shit. While I can do it, it's a conscious effort to do so. "Brother" is the word I have the most problems with. It usually comes out as "Bwuvva".

Accept compliments - I still blush and defer to other people/circumstances as being responsible. "Oh no, it was all Jesus/flesh eating virus/hot sex with your mother that helped me lose the weight. I had no input into it at all."

I'm sure there a million other things that belong on the list (I'm sure the ex-boyfriends would add a few more too).

So what simple things can't you do?

I'm more of a well wisher, in that I don't wish you any particular harm...

I like this pic of me.

Nothing more to add.

The voices... they tell me things

Read this quote from Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe;


"I just loathe homophobia. It’s just disgusting and animal and stupid and it’s just thick people who can’t get their heads around it and are just scared. I grew up around gay people entirely. I was the only child in my class who had any experience of homosexuality or anything like that."



Now tell me... did you not automatically hear a posh pommy accent in your head as you read that?

Or am I just a weirdo freak?

(Thanks to Joe.My.God for the pic and quote.)

It always funnier in russian...

Laughed? I just about wet my pants...

Is there a really a Dog up there?

So I've been doing some soul searching of late. My rampant boozing and excessive random sex parties are starting to leave me feeling empty and alone. I found this great site that has answered all of my philosophical and theological questions;

The Official God FAQ

I think there's something in that for all of us...

My liver is about to file for divorce...

You know you've had a big weekend when;

• You wake up Saturday morning to discover you have sambucca smeared all over your fingers and a big smudge around your lips.
• You recall making out with your ex's twin, wondering if he's just as well hung as his brother.
• You ditch your current housemate on Friday night, and your former housemate on Saturday night in favour of more random pashing on the dance floor.
• Your breakfast venue of choice for both Saturday and Sunday morning's was the Macca's on the valley mall... and the same staff member served you both times.
• You discover the white $100 t-shirt a friend lent you to wear on Saturday night is now covered in purple sambucca stains.
• You meet a friend for lunch in the Valley on Sunday, but you haven't even been home yet so you're still wearing last nights sambucca stained t-shirt looking trashed as you wander around the mall (and yet you still fit in)
• Your friends post pictures of you on Facebook that you don't even remember posing for.
• You wake up on Sunday morning with your jeans wrapped around your head, facing the wrong way on the bed, and it's not your bed, and you have no idea where you are, and there's a naked man in there with you, and he's actually quite hot.

It was no good for the budget, but fuck, I had fun both nights.

So much alcohol...

So much has been happening, but so little writing has occurred to keep you all informed.

The house move is well and truly over, but we still have no Internet at home, so posting is hard.

I've lost my higher duties contract, so now have to face the reality of living on $432 less per fortnight. Benji has to learn how to budget.

I've had the biggest, booziest weekend ever - went out Thursday, Friday and Sunday nights and drank myself stupid (which doesn't help my budget).

It's been a weekend of ex's - Friday night's party was at Greg's ("The Man") place - I haven't seen him since I broke up with him in November. It was nervous at the thought of seeing him (I generally don't talk to any ex), but it was a fun night.

Sunday night, however, was horribly trash-tastic, as I managed to win a $500 prize pack to the Fluffy night club up here, including a $200 bar tab. In short, I bumped into the really nice guy who I dated briefly a few weeks ago, and he proceeded to jump my drunken bones with some of the most shocking PDA's in front of my friends ever. IT WAS FANTASTIC. I recall him pinning me down in the VIP booth and straddling me with wild abandon, and then dancing on the main floor with his hand firmly shoved down the front of my pants, followed by a fantastic night of sex, and then more sex all Monday morning. He still doesn't want anything serious. Damn it.

And probably the best thing lately has been that I've mended bridges with my old housemate. I shouldn't have let things sit and fester for so long, as I've really missed her. She's been my partner in crime again lately, and so very happy to have her back in my life.

Regular writing will recommence soon...

Why God? Why?

There are many, many reasons why you would want to get a tattoo of something as heinous as this. Alcohol. Drugs. Just completely fucked in the head. None of them are acceptable reasons by the way.

Who knows what this person's motivation was, but do you think they might be regretting it just a little bit now?

Check out Horrible Tattoos for more crappy tatt's.

I'd wear this to a wedding, or the groom's funeral...

Yes... it's a t-shirt printed with an erect penis at the bottom.

Classy.

Kids say the darndest things...

A story as told by my 3 year old niece at day care this morning;

"Uncle Ben used to be very fat. But then they took him to the hospital, and took out the baby. I'm not his baby because I'm not a baby anymore. His baby might be a puppy but I don't know."

Fairly pissed myself laughing when my sister told me...

LOLZ, Pwned, Lesbians and etc

Happy valentine's day...

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

I bent my wookie...

Just a quick couple of things...

The winner of the Step Brother's DVD is the lovely Miss Smack, who tried to kill her brother with an electric carving knife! Classy, yet not very well thought out plan that one.

Stay tuned for more corporate sponsorship and selling out coming soon!

Also... welcome to the people who have added me on Facebook after reading about my drunken antics here on Zeke. Thanks Gavin and Mikey for dropping by.

And now to return you to the usual crapulence of Zeke;
I like the pink fluffy leg warmer, and the camera-shy horse.

Everyone else is doing it...

Do the yellow tights make me look gay?

Super hero yourself here.

No asses? Send them over to Crotch Tech!

Such small things amuse my small, alcohol-ravaged brain;

The enrolment system at work abbreviates "non-assessable" to NO ASSES - and prints it on the student's enrolment confirmation.

Spell check on outlook wants to change "Corptech" to CROTCH TECH.

It's cute how your mobile phone predictive text offers you up KISS when you type "lips", but its even funnier that when you press the buttons for "cock", it offers you ANAL as the first option.

Like I said...small things