Cricket is so.... sexy?

I'm happy to admit that I find nothing more boring than watching cricket on TV. It's just so god-damn repetitive. And those fucking commentators drive me insane. I know they have a tough gig giving a running update on the world's most boring game, but please could you bring some personality to the microphone?

Who wants to watch 12 men stand around a big grassy paddock chucking balls at each other for 12 hours in a day, with the coma inducing tones of Messers Benaud, Chappel and Lawry?

Not I, said the fly.

But my opinion could be swayed. The Courier Mail has published a nice little pic of Shane Watson, baring just enough flesh to get me interested;




Hmmm... just a little bit different to the Merv Hughes/David Boon days, don't ya think?

We're just a bunch of girls having fun!

Thank Christ the Olympics are almost over. I hate them so fucking much, but for some sad reason I keep flicking over to watch every now and again.

There are quite a few sports that seem really gay in my mind - men's synchronised diving is one - two hot, toned men in speedos thrashing about in the water. It's a porno waiting to happen.

Don't get me started on men's gymnastics.

But have you noticed there seems to be a lot of sports that are much more "lesbian" friendly? For starters there's the softball. They're not the most feminine bunch of gals are they? They do know how to fling the balls about.

Then there's the water polo. These ladies look like the roughest bunch of men on the planet. The shoulders are massive and it's a wonder their balls don't pop out the bottom of their swimmers.

And finally the Beach Volleyball - this sport has more of a lipstick lesbo feel to me. They are generally very attractive ladies in their hot bikini's, but you just know they'll be sharing their saphic love after the game.

Hmmm... now to see how I can turn this bunch of girls having special fun into a super money making porn site.

You call that sport?

I'm not sure if all gay men are anti-sport, but I definitely am. The only thing I like about sport is generally the men are hot (if not dumb as a sack of hammers). So the fact that the Olympics have started leaves me with no other feeling than "meh".

First off, all the good TV stops and we get nothing but re-runs and crap shows that failed miserably the first time round on the non-Olympic channels. I mean channel nine is showing "Til Death" which is one of the most painfully unfunny shows that I have ever seen. It failed during summer, so why show it during the Olympics?

Then the "patriotic" advertising campaigns start. Banks, Tivo, McDonalds, airlines just to name a few are constantly running "proud Aussie" adverts that are designed to make you sense of pride swell and run down and purchase the product. Just fuck off and cut my bank fees instead of wasting your money on these shitty ads.

Then there's the sports themselves. Day one of telecast seemed to be nothing but rowing. The single sculls, the doubles the mixed cox-less pairs. I really fail to see how simply going the fastest in a straight line is a sport. This also goes for the swimming and running (especially the sprints - 10.2 seconds is not a race, it's a fart for some people).

In my mind, a supposed sport needs a few things to qualify for the Olympics - strength and fitness for one. Some of those ladies softballers look rather, um, soft in the middle. And shooting and archery is just standing still and pressing a button at the right time.

Next comes strategy - just going faster than every one else is not a strategy. Look at cycling though, especially the pursuit and the Madison. These guys and girls seem to almost stop at certain points, just to get the edge over their opponent. Sure I don't understand how it works, but there is obviously some thought processes going on with that one.

And finally, artistic ability. Gymnastics and diving are some of the ultimate sports in my mind. Yes the blokes do tend to be the hottest around, but there is something very intriguing about a sport where you need to be able to combine strength with the ability to turn and tumble in a controlled manner and make it look good.

And that's where synchronised diving absolutely blows me away. Diving itself looks bloody hard. How do you spin and tumble and make sure you land just the right way to score maximum points? So in synchronised diving where you have to do all that, but in almost perfect timing with a partner - it's freaking amazing.

So lets cancel every other televised sport and just show the diving for Benji please.

Battle of the Choirs... what a load of shit

I really need a job in TV - not just as a runner or a research guy. Give me a job as director of new shows or something like that. Because I would not allow crap like Battle of the Choirs to get on the air.

Let's look at the issues with this program in a logical order;

1. David Koch - he is a tool.

2. It's yet another "panel of expert judges" making comment on the performance of non-professional people putting themselves on the line. Think Idol, So You think You Can Dance, Australia's Got Talent etc, etc, etc. Same basic format.

3. David Koch - he is a fucking tool.

4. Choral singing is boring. Putting a group of people on stage and watching them sing all earnestly with wide-eyed enthusiasm just doesn't do anything for me. Adding the stupid hand gestures and movements just makes it look even stupider.

5. David Koch - I fucking hate Kochie. All we need is a special guest judging appearance by Melissa Doyle and it will a complete and utter piece of shit.

I am amazed this rates so well. It's always top ten for a Sunday night - but it is up against Big Brother and 60 Minutes, so it does cater to the people who hate BB and don't do serious current affairs.

But the thing that really gets me is this seems to be yet another thing the gays are loving. There must be something seriously wrong with my gay brain as its yet another gay thing I can't tolerate (Celine Dion, musicals being some of the others).

Yet another unfunny TV comedy coming our way

Surely you've seen the teaser ads by now? A SMS is received saying "Mark Loves Sharon" over and over again, or the big screen at a footy match shows the same message. Intriguing? Not really. Annoying? Very.

But what the hell is this ad for? Is it a new show featuring Sharon Strzelecki from Kath and Kim? Nah... that could be funny. Is it a sports chat show featuring Straughny? Nah... Peter Helliar's run out of jokes.

Well TV Tonight have answered my questions - it's a new mocumentary type show based around the Mark Wary character from the Wedge. You know, the one that always appeared at press conferences badly reading apologies for doing something wrong? And his manager is always beside him being embarrassed by his stupidity? You know - the really really really unfunny one. Really, really, really, REALLY unfunny.

Mark is played by Jason Gann (he's a Brissy guy I think) - but this is the only pic I can find of him in the character. Is he so embarrassed by the whole concept that he has no publicity out there for the show? I know I would be.

The show premiere's on Ten Monday 30 June at 9:30pm. That means Big Mouth actually gets pushed back 30 mins for this potential load of crap. I like Big Mouth.

I'll probably watch this, just to see. I wold dearly love to be wrong about it. I would love to see a new Australian comedy get up and wow the world (a la Kath and Kim or Summer Heights High), but I'm pretty sure it won't.