Monday, April 19, 2010

I cry during Futarama.

I cry on the bus home.

I cry on the dance floor.

I cry in bed with bed with a man.

I cry when talking to mum.

I cry in bed when I'm alone.

I cry in the toilets at work.

I cried walking home from the gym tonight.

I have never cried so much in my life.

It's always silent, and rarely do people realise what is actually happening.

All it takes is a compliment, a smile, the smallest amount of praise on a job well done, and it brings me crashing down.

What will happen when I can't go out and dance with my friends, can't go to the gym, can't do my job, can't find a man to take me home?

For the first time ever I am not in total control of my life.

This fucking sucks.

5 comments:

Sam. I. Am. said...

chin up. everyone needs a good cry, and you're just playing catch-up.

vodkaandcrackers@hotmail.com. mail me of you want to talk :)

Ms Smack said...

Ben, consider what's happening in your life. As long as you are looking through a depression filter, your view of life will be jaded, and foggy.

I know alot of people are not into medications, but they can remove that filter long enough to see the world clearly, to work through issues.

You need to start taking care of yourself, please.

x

Anonymous said...

Ben

Please take note of Ms Smack's advice.

You do sound to me as if you are in the middle of depression, probably for good reason.

I am not medically qualified but I've been there and done that - for years.

The happiest day was when I finally went to the doc and got some medication - a couple of caps a night. No big deal but what a difference. I stopped seeing everything negatively and stopped driving every friend mad.

The first step is to acknowledge to yourself you have a problem. There's no shame there. Winston Churchill sufferred from depression and called it his "black dog" - black in the sense of dark/depressive.

Take the first step - go see your GP - and be honest with her/him.

Don't let depression fool you and have you thinking there's no point going to a doctor. There is - and you will be so glad you did. Do it tomorrow at the latest !

I see you are in Bris. So am I. Try Stonewall Medical Centre at Windsor if you don't know where else to go.

(I don't really want to be anonymous but it was the easiest way to log in)

Trevor

Ms Smack said...

Good on you Trevor.

xx

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