Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The nickname game

I used to have a rather juvenile habit of assigning nick names to people who were once part of my life, but now, I don't really give a shit about. Some still lurk around the edges, but I try not to talk to them as they generally shit me to tears.

Beth Ditto - a former housemate, who unfortunately bore a more than striking resemblance to the lead singer of The Gossip. A friend named her T-Bone for her stark diet consisting of T-Bone steaks and mashed potato.

Eyebrows - I've briefly mentioned him before, mainly for his annoying habit of wiggling his eyebrows during oral sex.

Elbow - my first ever boyfriend. He was 16 years my senior, which put him very close to the age of 50. He was given the horrible nickname of "Elbow" by friends (not that he ever heard it) because someone surmised that his "old balls would feel like the dry skin on your elbow". I did my own comparison on him one night. They felt nothing like my elbow skin. (Confess - your feeling your elbows right now)

Whore Lip - this is a horrible nickname for someone who I still talk to quite a bit, but she gets really really bad cold sores on her lips. Anyone that's seen American Dad will get the reference.

The Slapper - I was this woman's team leader for a couple of years. The first day I arrived she had the nerve to tell me that she was much more qualified to do my job but decided to give someone else a chance to do it. That kinda set the tone for many months of hell in managing this chick. She was also massively overweight, and had a bad habit of wearing dresses that were way too short for her. She had bad body odour and the day she perched herself on my desk I almost passed out from the smell.

Tumbleweed - a certain manager in this place who only blows in during the quiet times and blows right out the other door.

Moley - another boyfriend, and this guy just had so many moles on his face so it was an obvious choice. On his ears, on his lips, on his back, arms, legs, chest, hands. He used to use solariums quite regularly, so I was quite concerned about the melanoma risk. He just wanted to be tan, even though he was South American and already had a great skin tone. He was also known as the hairdresser, as, um, he is a hairdresser.

The Twin - we dated for a few weeks and well he was a twin (duh), but strangely enough he was also named Ben, he was my age and was pretty much the same height and weight as well. He did have a lot more hair than me. Bastard. Wish that one had gone somewhere though.

Hot Ash - a guy at the gym who strikes a remarkable resemblance to a random gay guy I know, but is much higher on the hotness scale.

On reflection, it was a really horrible thing to do. Espeically to the boyfriends. It really showed a lack of respect for them. Maybe Karma is now in effect and is making sure I don't find a new man for my past cunty behaviour.


The Mutant said...

Don't feel bad about it, we all do it. It helps an awful lot to identify people, if you know five different Michaels it is so much easier to refer to Michael-Man Boobs - then everyone knows you don't mean Michael-BO, Michael-Bacne or Michael-Water Sports. Simplicity at its best!

Andy Man said...

You are a nasty nasty man, but fucking funny. Its not Karma preventing you finding a man, you just need to sell your psoitives like you said in your last post.

phishez said...

I do it too. I'm guilty. Unfortunately, I'm also forgetful, and as such cannot give any examples.

Does this make me a better or a worse person?

Anonymous said...

So am I the one you call donkey dick?

Asphodel said...

hahah nice post! Among my ex's are ..... why don't I remember half their names even, nevermind nick names? :-O

Ben said...

Mutant - there five Ben's in my year at highscool. Sadly I was Fat Ben.

Andy - Maybe I'm trying to atone for my past sins. Get it out in the open and see what happens next.

Phishez - it makes you a better person. It seems you are better at letting go of the past than I am. Maybe that's holding me back a bit too.

Anon - Is that you mum?

Asphodel - thanks! I sat on this post for ages. Didn't want to seem like that big an ass.

cb said...

love your nickname ability!!! And your cuntiness!

Victor said...

Every bureaucracy has a tumbleweed.