I hate hype. It annoys the absolute crap out of me.
I hate so-called journalists who have made a career out of gushing over some jet-lagged celebrity who obviously doesn't want to be in the same room as you, let alone hear how much you loved their last project.
I hate how movie trailers and "behind-the-scenes" specials have become some how news worthy and need to be shown on every single news program, current affairs show and talk/variety/advertorial show in the weeks up to the actual film gets released.
I hate how the fact that some fool can spend 70 kabillion dollars on a movie and it's automatically deemed a hit, with talk of Oscar nominations for actors before anyone has even seen it.
I hate when stars, directors and various hangers on appear on talk shows and are all bestest buddies and tell us all how much fun they had making the 80 kajillion-billion dollar crap fest and they will declare their undying love for each other, yet probably will never speak again. Ever.
And that ladies and gentlemen, that is why I hate "Australia", Baz Lurhmann's new epic wank fest.
Of course I haven't seen this 2 hour, 45 minute stink fest, but I can tell you now it will be the biggest pile of maggot infested dog shit that has ever been released.
As far as I can tell this move will contain the following;
Every horse riding scene out of "The Man From Snowy River".
Every dodgy accent from "Far and Away".
Every exploding building and low-flying, bomb dropping plane in a war type scene from "Pearl Harbour".
Every single intelligence-insulting, wince-inducing, coloquialised Australian slang term ever created. Crikey!
All covered with enough of Baz Lurhmann's so-called "visual magic" to make you vomit it till you bleed.
But the worst part about the while thing is bound to be Nicole Kidman's face;
That just ain't right.
I'm sure "Australia" will rake in the dollars at the box-office, especially in the USA, and that can't be a bad thing for our movie industry. But I hope to hell that most Australians who do see it will leave the cinema feeling that it was hyped just a little too much, and that the new James Bond would have been a better choice.
It opens today. You are dead to me forever if you go see it.