Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My eyes! My Eyes!

I hate hype. It annoys the absolute crap out of me.

I hate so-called journalists who have made a career out of gushing over some jet-lagged celebrity who obviously doesn't want to be in the same room as you, let alone hear how much you loved their last project.

I hate how movie trailers and "behind-the-scenes" specials have become some how news worthy and need to be shown on every single news program, current affairs show and talk/variety/advertorial show in the weeks up to the actual film gets released.

I hate how the fact that some fool can spend 70 kabillion dollars on a movie and it's automatically deemed a hit, with talk of Oscar nominations for actors before anyone has even seen it.

I hate when stars, directors and various hangers on appear on talk shows and are all bestest buddies and tell us all how much fun they had making the 80 kajillion-billion dollar crap fest and they will declare their undying love for each other, yet probably will never speak again. Ever.

And that ladies and gentlemen, that is why I hate "Australia", Baz Lurhmann's new epic wank fest.

Of course I haven't seen this 2 hour, 45 minute stink fest, but I can tell you now it will be the biggest pile of maggot infested dog shit that has ever been released.

As far as I can tell this move will contain the following;

Every horse riding scene out of "The Man From Snowy River".

Every dodgy accent from "Far and Away".

Every exploding building and low-flying, bomb dropping plane in a war type scene from "Pearl Harbour".

Every single intelligence-insulting, wince-inducing, coloquialised Australian slang term ever created. Crikey!

All covered with enough of Baz Lurhmann's so-called "visual magic" to make you vomit it till you bleed.

But the worst part about the while thing is bound to be Nicole Kidman's face;

That just ain't right.

I'm sure "Australia" will rake in the dollars at the box-office, especially in the USA, and that can't be a bad thing for our movie industry. But I hope to hell that most Australians who do see it will leave the cinema feeling that it was hyped just a little too much, and that the new James Bond would have been a better choice.

It opens today. You are dead to me forever if you go see it.


unique_stephen said...

stone the flaming crows - it's even got a bit of wobble board in in - fair dinkum.

the projectivist said...

i have a sneaking suspicion that you are on the money with those thoughts.

i saw bits of that 'interview' with Oprah the other night. Hugh Jackman gave out free Tim Tams to the audience and taught them all how to say "bickie".

Kezza said...

Usually I'm a pacifist, however: Baz Lurhmann needs to die, Nicole Kidman-Urban needs to die, Hugh Jack-off needs to die and while we're on the topic, Oprah Wind-bag needs to die.

Look I'm sure the movie would probably be okay on its own, but hype?m I mean jesus fucking christ, lay off. I particularly like the way Lurhmann references past epic films like Gone With the Wind and then says "Not that I'm comparing Australia to that" you self appreciating fag. For the love of god, stop hiring Nicole and try using a talented actress in a film. I dare you!

simple simon said...

Nicole Kidman is beautful...she almost looks as good as those "realistic" latex sex dolls.

Well after seeing her act, maybe she is just one of the dolls.

Ms Smack said...

I agree they're in overkill at the moment and am sick of seeing her on every show, and hearing about Hugh winning a new sexy man award that means nothing to me.

Unfortunately I will go and see it, because I'm curious to see WHY all the hype and to have evidence to bitch further.

Sorry pet!


Andy Man said...

BMX Bandits rocked my world.

Turned me gay for sure, but still rocked my world.

Ben said...

Wobble board? Are you fucking kidding me Stephen? Damn, know I'm kinda curious how they'll fit that in...

Projectivist - I'm not a fan of the Tim Tam. But I am a fan of the Hugh.

Kezza - You have as much rage as I flowing through you. It's great. But Hugh needs to leave his wife, and come live with me. I need to grate some cheese on his abs.

Simon - I think the dolls have more facial expression than her. And boobs... Nicole is rather flat.

*Shakes head at Smack* - I'm not mad at you, just disappointed.

Andy - BMX bandits rocked. I loved the walkie talkies.

Victor said...

I'll send you my obituary.

I'm seeing it with friends next Thursday.

Ben said...

I want a reveiw Victor... as long as its negative and scathing I'll be happy.

Ms Smack said...