I must admit I am possibly at the lowest I have ever been in my life. My alcoholism has returned full force, work is completely stressing me out, I have no money, I am fatter than ever.
I get mad very easily, but then I cry even easier. I get asked to leave pubs because no one likes to see the gay man crying into his beer. It's just not pretty.
Its been very hard to find find any motivation over the past few months. It feels like I've been treading water for so long, just barely staying afloat. There are days where I think it would be easier to stop trying, and let myself sink.
But today I've had an epiphany. I was walking home from breakfast with a couple of friends, and it just hit me...
It's all going to be OK.
Not much of an epiphany, but it actually made me stop in the street for a moment.
Yes - this year has been hell so far. Floods, relationship failures, moving house, flooding house have all taken their toll. But it can, and will get better. Because I will make it better.
I am in control of this life, and I'm the only one who can change things.
There are many hurdles I have to overcome, but I have more support and love than I ever realised.
Why has it taken me so long to work this out?