I'm worried about my sanity. While it doesn't seem to be as completely fucked as poor Kezza's, I have some serious doubts about my ability to function as a normal member of society. You see, I've been watching Australian Idol.
Yes. It's true.
Normally this isn't too big an issue. I'm sure most people tune in for the first five minutes of the first live performance show just to see how craptacular the whole series is going to be. We all like to laugh at the shit house song choices, the even shittier arrangements by John Foreman, and the absolutely absurd comments from the judges. Then we remember our IQ's are over 100 and go and watch Sixty Minutes instead.
But this year, something has snapped in my brain. Lets look at the facts, shall we?
I have watched every minute of every show. Well not the two weeks of audition bullshit - but the live shows have completely captured my attention.
I've enjoyed many of the performances. Chrislyn, Mark and Teale are all pretty damn good (especially Chrislyn). Oh shit, I actually know their names.
I am finding many of the comments made by Kyle Sandilands to be right on the money and have agreed with him many times over the past three weeks.
Strike fucking three.
I mean, it's Kyle Fucking Sandilands. Kunty Kyle. The most annoying red-headed fuck wit on the planet. He can't blink properly. He fucked up big brother with that slut Jackie O (but it was dying anyway), and his radio shows are absolute fucking rubbish.
Before I lost my mind, I'd want to fly to Melbourne and punch in him in his big fat sloppy gut and then pull out his tongue so I don't have to here his pathetic attempts at being witty and caustic in the same breath.
But now, I sit there on the couch with my cup of tea and a scotch finger biscuit, and find myself nodding in agreement with his assessment of their performances.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
Please hand me an extra-large straight jacket and place me in a padded room for my own safety. I'll try to headbutt the wall silently so as to not disturb you.
Speaking of insanity - have you noticed Marcia has lost her mind this year? She's yelling at the audience, she's calling people Ho's and her comments are just getting absolutely ridiculous.
Some seriously weird shit is flowing from her mouth every Sunday night. Things like, "You learnt to fly baby," and then there was, "You got to stop thinking and just feel. Did you think at all during that song?" and my favourite, "I'm a tree and you are my acorns. Come suckle at my nutrient rich roots."
The bitch is losing it.