Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Tales from the bus to boganville...

I've become a great user of public transport of the last 6 months or so, due to the car still being off the road. And while bus travel is generally much less eventful then the train, there have been many times recently where I've shuddered at some of the actions of people on my bus.

Yesterday afternoon there seemed to be extra crazies and bogans hanging around my usual bus stop in the city. There was one couple with a little girl that caught my eye - standing in the middle of the foot path smoking and swearing at the toddler ("You'll get a fucking belting if you do that again" and such). The woman had hair down past her arse, but it looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks and he had his pack of smokes under his shirt sleeve (I really didn't think people did that anymore).

I was praying that they weren't getting on the 375 with me, but Jesus hates me, so sure enought the trio piled on. The bus was filling up fast so they didn't get seats together, but took the seats on either side of the aisle right in front of me. I managed to score a seat to myself, so that was pretty sweet, until the next stop where an old, skinny, unshaved man got on and sat next to me. He staggered a little bit and looked like he was just kicked out of a west-end hostel (plastic bags and all).

This old man started waving and making faces at the little girl for a bit and then asked her "Do you know how to use a mobile phone sweetie?". It was a weird thing to ask such a small girl. What came after that blew my mind;

"She's three, of course she doesn't know how to use a fucking mobile ya stupid cunt," screeched bogan mum.

I, being of sound mind and fully skilled at avoiding bogan beatings, would have ceased the interaction at this stage, as the parents are obviously drug fucked. Old guy, however was obviously intent on interacting with this child, and continues with, "Is mummy right sweetie?".

Bogan dad now turns around in his seat with fist raised and screams at the old man "Don't you fucking talk to her or I'll fucking kill you! Fucking pervert..." with lots of muttering and more obscenities trailing off indecipherable.

I'm sitting there, making myself as small as possible with my headphones in, staring directly at my mobile phone, pretending to be absorbed by the whatever's on the screen, and trying not to get involved in any of this bullshit. But old man, who must have a death wish, leans over to me and says, "I wish I had a mobile, so I could call the cops on these two".

Way to go old man. Way to go. Lets antagonise two out of control bogans even more, and try to make me part of it. Thanks a fucking lot.

Of course bogan mum and bogan dad are now further enraged by old man.

"I'm gonna slit your throat you dirty old cunt. Try and call the police on me then!" screams bogan mum. Bogan dad chimes in with "I've been in jail fucker, I know how to fuck you up good and propper. Rip your fucking tongue out, cunt, for talking that shit to us".

I think at this stage old man worked out he had seriously gone a step too far with the bogans and leaped out of his seat and literally flew out the open doors at the next stop. Meanwhile, I'm worried that they're about to launch on me because he talked to me, but bogan dad turns round and says "Sorry about that fucker next to you. I hate cunts like that, hey?"

And that was the end of it. They continued to swear at each other and thier daughter all the way home, but no more threats of slitting throats or ripping out tongues. Just like a normal couple really.

They got off at the same stop as me where bogan dad said goodbye to me (like some sort of connection has been made), and bogan mum proceeded to duck into some one's front yard, pull down her pants and take a piss on their hydrangeas.

Classy as.


Kezza said...

Why they sound delightful, you should have arranged to swap numbers and meet up at a later date to play the pokies together while their child wilts in a locked Torana in the car park.

If there is one thing public transport is good for, it's light entertainment!

Crystal said...

Tell me you made this up. Holy Shit.

Ben said...

Oh it's true - I worry about what sort of adult that little girl will turn into.

I should have followed them home and called Department of Child Safety on them... and then run for my life.