These frustrations are leading to anger being displayed in ways that are not entirely healthy and/or appropriate.
This usually happens when I've been drinking.
Just like now.
Apparently I was very drunk on Monday night last week, and I went off my tree at my housemate for not keeping the house clean.
I went quite ballistic at another friend for spreading untruths about me on the same night when he wasn't there to witness the things he was spreading.
On NYE I was at a party with a new group of friends, and I told some naughty stories to a group of straight guys who managed to twist them into an insult (confirmed by a sober person there). I let them know that I was not impressed.
And I am seriously pissed right now.
Tonight I find out that the person that I have been crushing on for far too long (long time readers may recall me referring to a "nice guy"), just sprouts shit to me. He tells me that the guy he hooked up with on Wed last week was too camp to consider a future with, then he tells another friend that he would move to Melbourne for the same camp man.
DON'T TELL ME SHIT. I am man enough to deal with you hooking up with other people.
He does nothing but confuse the shit out of me. I get a tattoo - he tells me he doesn't like men with tattoos. Why does it matter? I decide that I am going to have a neatly trimmed beard thing going on - he tells me he hates beards. It doesn't matter what you like.
For the last six months our mutual friends keep telling me that we should be together. Well I can't take it anymore. This guy is holding me back from being happy.
From my substance abuse counselling it has been identified that he is my "enabler" - the person that leads me astray to do bad things. I don't think that's the case. I think he is the man that I am trying to please at any cost, hoping that he will fall into bed with me. I can't please him in that way.
BUT - his friendship is very important to me. I just need to learn how to move on and leave any fantasy about us being in a relationship in the gutter. I respect him professionally, and as a great friend but he will never be my lover.
I hope this post will allow me to have some closure.