Friday, November 26, 2010

Grief cake for all...

My grandmother died on Tuesday after a three month battle with just about everything they could throw at an 79 year old woman... chest infection, a minor stroke, stomach cancer, a major stroke, another chest infection which then lead to pneumonia and her death.

I got to see her on Sunday afternoon, for which I am glad. She was very weak, but alert and actively participating in the conversation. I was shocked to hear she had died two days later. I really thought she would kick on, and be around for a lot longer.

Work have been extremely supportive. Days off approved. Flowers, chocolates, indoor plants, cards all bought and given in kindness.

The funeral was today. A full catholic mass. I was asked to read one of her favourite passages.

The wake was at the community centre in her retirement village. Cakes, slices and sandwiches to help the grieving and/or happy memories flow. I smiled and talked to a mix of relatives and old ladies as they expressed their grief and sorrow at losing a loved one.

So why do I feel like an impostor in this process? It's not like I don't care that I've lost my grandmother, but it feels like I've just been going through motions, because that's what a good grandson does.

I haven't cried, I haven't wailed, I haven't punch a wall in anger at the unjustness of it all (as some of my cousins have reportedly done). I have just gone through the motions of telling people and acting appropriate manner of a person in grief.

I'm just too caught up in grieving for myself, to really care about anyone else right now.


Damien Oz said...

Your Gran understands you know.

You will grieve in your own way and in your own time. There is no set schedule.


Victor said...

Grief is personal and as Damien wrote you are grieving in your own manner.

My condolences on your loss.

jeff said...

grieving takes on a different hue when the person you lose is older and going through so many health problems toward the end. imho, grieving for a person in this situation started the minute she entered the hospital.

i speak from experience with a beloved grandmother who was in a similar situation.

take your time.