Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My armpits hurt

I'm really enjoying getting back to the gym, and getting myself back on track. Even though I'm in a world of pain right now (who knew your armpits could hurt so much?), I'm remembering all the benefits that came from hitting the weights. But I'm also remembering all the things that shit me off about my gym;

The Chatterers - groups of three or four blokes (usually in their early 20's) who do one set of reps each and then sit and chat. It wouldn't worry me if they did it on the machines I hate (damn you seated row) but when they tie up the Fly for twenty minutes I want to punch them in the face. I need to work on my pectorals people!

The Denim Shorts Brigade - My jeans aren't the most comfortable things to wear so why the hell would you wear denim shorts to the gym? Oh... because you're a fucking wanker.

"Poofter Shoes" - That's what I call them, but I would never wear them. Thin canvas material on top, thin rubber sole, absolutely no support, so useless to protect you from any impact and generally worn without socks. Ugly, stinky shoes worn by pretentious wankers. Buy a pair of sneakers you tight arses.

The "Sunglasses Are Cool" Team - It's 7:30pm, you're inside, you're exercising. Why the fuck are you wearing sunnies? And there's the ones who leave the sunnies perched on top of their cap (these seem to be part of the Denim short crew). Put them in your locker you stupid cunts.

Black Socks - Not black ankle sports socks (they're fine if you're wearing dark coloured shoes), but black socks that go halfway up their shins. Usually business socks. Usually with bright white sneakers. Ruins any sort of hotness on a man.

The Sex Face - the men that put in so much effort when finishing off the set that they put on the strangest, most contorted, painful looking face. You just know they make the same face when they cum. It's not pretty.

The Bike Shorts and Bum Bag Man - he doesn't really annoy me that much, but he does go around and try to chat up the women. Seems to be in his 50's with a shaved head and goatee, and massive massive quads. Not sure what he's got in the bum bag, but I think he's got it strategically placed to protect his modesty - he's either massively hung, or the steroids have made it shrink!

Towel-less Wonders - you may think you don't sweat, but in reality you do, and you leave remnants of your sweaty arse crack on every machine you sit on. You make me want to vomit.

Giggle Girls - akin to the Chatterers, but these little bitches hang out on the cardio equipment walking at a stellar pace of 2.3kph and loudly judging everyone that walks past. At least I bag out people quietly to Kat, and not shout it out across the gym.

Now, all this talk of exercies has made me hungy. Time for a quad stacker from Hungry Jacks I think.


Kezza said...

You have just summed up perfectly why I avoid gyms like the plague. At least if you were one of those freaks that goes there to pick up you could very quickly sort out the shit from the shovels.

phishez said...

You missed the grunter. Though he s usually Mr Cum face. I'm always surprised that they don't accidentally squeeze out a dookie at the height of their straining. I mean, I fart occasionally, and I'm not even straining that hard!

I always avoid machines after those guys have been on them. You never know if you're going to sit in a sticky mess!

Ben said...

Kezza - I've never thoguh of the gym as a pick up spot. I'm a sweaty heaving mess by the time I finish. Oh wait, sounds like me in a night club.

Phishez - I have to turn off my ipod on certain machines for fear of a sneaky fart actually booming out without me noticing.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

btw, olly was this guy

love, love, love.

Anonymous said...

haha. Hilarious.

That's why I avoid gyms. I encounter enough wankers without heading to their mecca.

Plus, I hate physical activity.