Sex and the Shitty...

I think I must be one of a very few gay men who has thus far refused to go and see the Sex and the City movie. I just do not care for a bunch of old hags running around talking about their vadges and getting peens put up said vadges (that's what the TV show was about, yah?).

So I absolutely loved this piss-take blog post from a chick called Audrey I randomly found on the inter-web.

Here are the first couple of acts - (there are 8 in total, but definitely worth the read)

SEX AND THE CITY
A morality tale, in eight acts.
SPOILER ALERT! ENTIRE PLOT LIES AHEAD!

ACT ONE:
Carrie: I live with Big now. We are in love. I finally snared my man, which is the entire purpose of life obvs. Also, despite being 40 it appears I still haven't learnt to dress my age.

Miranda: I still live in Brooklyn. I hate my life. Sometimes I hate Steve, my husband but he redeems himself by doing cute things like pointing out the cappuccino froth on my nose. Isn't married life funny?

Charlotte: To be honest, I don't even know why they brought me back into this film. Did I even read the script? It appears not. Not unless my character is actually SUPPOSED to be a squealing banshee with no discernible interests or purpose. Was I always like that? Probably.

Samantha: I live in Hollywood. With my lover, Smith Jerrod. I'm his manager now. We live in a really fucking ugly house on the beach. He has aged about 150 years since the series ended. Unfortunately, he still cannot act.

ACT TWO:
Carrie: Big and I are getting married! I made him propose when he bought me a beautiful penthouse. I asserted my independence by deciding to sell the beautiful apartment I impossibly rented for a number of years despite being only a measly columnist in a two bit local rag. Life's funny that way. Gee, I wonder if this will all blow up in my face?

Miranda: Fucking Steve fucking cheated on me and I can't forgive him, even though I'm a total bitch in the bedroom and make it feel like a transaction. A half yearly transaction. Also, I'm STILL complaining about living in Brooklyn. I have to leave Steve and live in the Ukranian part of town. Guess what? None of my friends care about my torment. What a surprise. I bet they'd care if I was Carrie.

Charlotte: Life is still pretty good for me. Hey, don't talk about sex in front of the kid! Let's call it 'colouring'. By injecting humour into this scene, we can pretend I'm still important to the storyline. Also, SQUEEEAAAAALLL!!!! Samantha's here! Again! For the 50 billionth time in the last five minutes! IT IS SO MUCH A SURPRISE THAT I HAVE TO SQUEAL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!

Samantha: Fuck's sake, do you have to squeal ALL the time Charlotte? We know you're the princess of the series, but sheesh. Anyway, I hate my life in Hollywood and there's a hot naked guy who fucks all these different girls every night of the week. Meanwhile, sex with Smith Jerrod has become a bit vanilla. Since we all know there's nothing more to my character than being a massive horndog, this is probably going to be an issue somewhere in the next five million hours 2 hours left in this film. Why did I agree to do this? I hate SJP.

Steve: Miranda, don't leave me! I love you!

Miranda: I hate you. Fuck off. Big, don't marry Carrie! Me telling you that can in no way lead to what will dominate the rest of this film.

Carrie: I am the greatest! ME! ME! ME!

Charlotte: Squeal!

Samantha: How much longer til this film is over?

PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Read the whole thing here... it's funny!